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Mar 14, 2006
What do I do?

::sigh:: After not hearing from him in over a year and our last encounter ending on relatively "bad" terms, he emailed me today. Out of the blue. Brown. I'm involved with my boy here. We've been together for over a year and he's helped me through some rough spots. I've treated him like shit, I've cheated on him and he still refuses to leave my side: he has faith in me. So I've been trying to make it work. I'm analyzing how I'm feeling, we're talking more. And now Brown. How, after so long of not speaking or writing, how can my heart jump like this? How can I get butterflies in my stomach? My palms sweat... my breath speeds up... How can my body betray me like this? And is it just my body or something deeper? My heart jumped in my throat and my hands started to shake just from reading who the email was from. Is it possible? Can it be?! And it was. He even apologized for how long it's taken him to get back in touch and how it ended between us last time. Am I reading too much into it or was he thinking about me? Slight problem/issue: I'll be in his town for my sister's wedding in a little over a week. I told him to call me so that we could hook up... Am I just setting myself up for disaster or will he be the gentleman I remember from way back when??

Posted at 12:59 pm by LilFaerie
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Sep 28, 2005
I was almost taken in..

Almost, but not quite. I was "saved" in time. I know that it will disappoint him and now he'll never date me, but at least we can be friends. I'll just have to put his kisses out of my mind...

I met with the Ms out here, but they weren't as... shall we say good as the ones at home and that came as a great disappointment. I was very shy and they weren't very personable. Plus, they brought some random guy from the ward with them. I didn't understand that... three men and one girl? Is there something wrong with that or is it just me? I guess it's supposed to be for harassment or sexual indecency issues, but why bring another guy?

I don't feel bad about it. I was pressured into and I feel that I've learned quite a bit about Him and the religion. No one needs to know I was almost taken in. But I was and it was for RM. I look back and understand that I was just captivated by an opportunity that had finally placed itself directly in front of me. I had had a crush on this guy since the 6th grade. I guess I'll see what happens when I go home at Christmas. Maybe something, maybe nothing. It's a long way off.

Otherwise things are going well.
much love.

Posted at 05:46 pm by LilFaerie
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Jul 21, 2005

As I read further and further into the book RM gave me, I find myself wanting to learn still more and more about Him.
I also find myself thinking more and more about RM. I can't take my mind off of him.
RM told me that he can't risk falling in love with someone who doesn't have the same beliefs as him. I understand that.
I find myself thinking more and more about how right this all feels and the strength of my feelings for RM. I think I'll write him a letter and give it to him before I walk Anne's dog or before I run. I think I want to run. I almost ran last night but I had to be at Anne's for 2 hours and by the time I got home I was just too tired.
A letter would be good.
Yes, that's what I'm going to do.
There are too many thoughts running through my mind right now to put down, but maybe I'll be able to sort through them later and update this.

Posted at 02:13 pm by LilFaerie
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Jul 20, 2005

I've done some thinking.
RM and I went and got icecream yesterday after I got off work. Then we went back to his house and watched The Work and The Glory (something like that). It's an LDS movie and it was good.
Then we talked... yes we talked about God and he did his missionary thing. What went on is very personal and I'm not going to talk about it.
But it made me think. I've been thinking since I started reading the book he let me take home to start reading. My manner of thinking would make him happy, and cause my mother to disown me...
But I'm ready for this. This step, this jump.
He told me to just speak from the heart, it's what I'm good at. That made me smile. He also told me to jump, because sometimes you just have to jump. (Made me eat my own words).
It was nice. Relaxing.
I cried.
It was a really strong feeling and it felt right.
I never figured I'd become a believer.
Here I am.

Now where do I go?

RM and I will keep hanging out and I know that our discussions will progress. But I only have a few weeks left here before I go back to school. Then we'll see.

You never lose by loving...you always lose by holding back.

Posted at 03:07 pm by LilFaerie
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Jul 19, 2005
I don't know

I don't know what to think.
He came over to my house last night and we sat and talked for a while. My thoughts are still jumbled. He wants to teach me about the Gospel. Ok-I said that I wanted to learn Sunday night. But he can't be with me, we can't date while he does that. He can't date me until I accept it as a part of me or whatever, but he doesn't want me to learn or accept or whatever for him. Ok- anything in the area of religion would be my own decision, I wouldn't do it for anyone. But he has that doubt. I argued with him. It's another form of rejection. I don't belong to the "club" and therefore am not good enough for him to give a chance. He can't risk falling in love with someone if there's the possibility of that person not becoming a member of the church so he's limiting himself to dating only members of the church.
It hurt.
I cried.
I told him that he's just not going to give me the chance. I've wanted to learn, the opportunity just hadn't presented itself. Now it has. And I'm learning while at the same time I'm getting to re-know someone I lost touch with but have liked for so long.
I don't know what to think.
I mean, I understand where he's coming from-it's part of his religion and as a return missionary it's a very big part of who he is and who he's become. I told him that I wanted to get to know him and in doing so, I had to learn about everything that plays a major role in his life. His religion is an integeral part of who he's become and I told him that I wanted to learn about it. I also told him that I've done research on the topic on my own.
Basically we went full circle last night. It started out ok. But I knew what he was going to say. Especially, and he brought this up, because I stated that I wasn't sure if I did believe in God when we talked on Sunday night.
In the middle of it all I asked him whether he was thinking with his heart or his mind. Because sometimes the heart has reasons the mind doesn't understand. I told him that I do things with my heart. And I don't hold back. We also came to the conclusion that he was rejecting me. I asked him if it was another form of rejection and he asked another question about the gospel. I said no, you didn't answer my question. He looked at me and said yes. I couldn't stop the tears.
He'd asked me why I'd given him a chance Sunday night. I said because I saw you out front and my heart jumped in my throat and I got butterflies in my tummy--I had to. We both admitted that we'd liked each other since the 6th grade but were just too scared to do anything. I asked him why he asked me why I was giving him a chance and he said that he was a jerk to me. He knew I liked him and he was just a jerk. He's sorry for that.
It was good that we talked.
He admitted to thinking too much and that it would've been better if he'd talked to me about it first rather than just deciding what he was doing on his own. He said that he was wrong with what happened Sunday night. I told him that what happened was as much my fault as his and I don't see anything wrong with it. But he says he knew it was wrong and that he fell... from where I'm still not sure, but ok. He's holding himself to these expectations and that's ok. But I don't know if he's really giving me a chance. Or if he feels sorry for me.
I need to talk to him tonight. This can't go on if he's doing it because of me. He has to feel the same. And he needs to understand that if he doesn't then it's ok. But he gave me a chance breifly Sunday night.  I just am no longer sure if he really wants to try this or if he's just doing it because of how I reacted last night and what I said.
I don't know.

Posted at 03:18 pm by LilFaerie
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Jul 18, 2005

Just Wow.
I flipped a Uey Saturday afternoon only because I thought that if I didn't stop then then I would never see the kid again.... which was probably true. But I stopped and I said hi and gave him my phone number.
He called.
I stopped by after walking Anne's dog last night and was talking to his mom when he got home.
He's been home from his mission for 4 days. 2 years in Argentina will change a person. He's grown so much and is so calm and down to earth.
I've had a crush on him since the sixth grade. And come to find out it's the same for him.
I told him I had to jump, that my heart had jumped in my throat and I got butterflies in my stomach when I saw him out front Saturday.
We talked for 4 hours with some kissing mixed in.
Just wow.
I've been thinking of him nonstop and it's killing me. The things we talked about and what I felt scared me. He's LDS, just back off his mission... the next step is marriage for him. They push that in his religion. And we talked about that. I told him I missed him and he said I didn't even know him. I told him I wanted to get to know him and in doing so I had to learn about his religion because it was an integeral part of him. I told him that I know quite abit about his religion because I was born and raised in the state, part of my family is LDS and I've done some individual research into several different religions since high school. It surprised him, but he was pleased that I was willing to learn. So that would royally piss off my mother, but it's my life and I'm willing to learn and listen while I try out this relationship.
Meanwhile, back at school I have a honey that I can no longer stand and don't know how to get rid of. But for me it's over, so I'm giving this new one my all.
Bad timing though.... I go back to school Aug. 11. He's worried about it. He's scared. I said you have to be scared but you have to jump. You don't get anywhere if you don't jump and take the risk that someone or both of you gets hurt. He said he'd give it his all.
And after some serious making out, we're getting to know one another again.
I haven't seen or hardly talked to him since the 6th grade... I was so scared to pull over.
But I'm so glad that I did.

Posted at 05:42 pm by LilFaerie
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Oct 13, 2003
I can't, I just can't.

I can't seem to move on.

I got an email from Brown the other day. It was good to hear from him. I understand that he's incredibly busy with his job and training and his life over there, but I hate how he's not consistent in keeping in touch and that I never really get a response to my emails. I hate that. I miss him so much, I don't know what to do about it. He sent me a close-up pic and it is now my background. It makes me so homesick just seeing his beautiful eyes and gorgeous face, but it's great. He watches over me, almost. I want to cry. But it's good, you know? I wouldn't want it another way. He's my very best friend and he's doing what he's worked so hard to do.

Red. Red is another story altogether. I miss him so much in a different way. We had history and we got so close so fast. I just don't understand how he can just drop me like this. It hurts so much. He's not keeping in touch at all and I'm drowning. I don't know how much longer I can keep swimming. I'm out of shape and out of practice. I don't have the ability I used to, to pick up the peices and start all over again. He really meant a lot to me. I want to be over him, I should be over him. Maybe it's the idea that we're going to see what happens at Christmas. Maybe it's the stress. Maybe I'm needy, maybe I'm incredibly lonely, maybe he made me happy in a way no one has in so long. I don't know.

I wake up wishing against reality that he'll be there next to me, with his arms wrapped around me. I lie awake at night, aching for him. The pillow is damp with my tears before the sunrise graces me with its presence. Because of him. Because we shared so much. Every time my phone rings, everytime I check my email, everytime I receive an IM, I hope against hope that it's him. I just want to hear his voice. I want him to tell me about his cars, his jeeps, his buddies and the latest escapade he's gotten into. I want to know if he got anything hunting. But most of all, I want to be there with him, with his arms wrapped around me. I want to "experience" his new king-sized bed. I want to just sit and cuddle. I want to look deep into his eyes and know that he feels the same way.

Paz. Well. I'm exploring the idea of seeing him at Christmas. Of having his arms around me again. We fit so nicely. Cuddling with him was great. So relaxing and free. We just fit perfectly. He tells me that he misses being able to hold me and cuddle with me. He also tells me that none of the girls he's "dated" or knows out there can even compare with me. After having me, he doesn't want any of the girls out there. They can't live up to my standards. I believe him. He doesn't lie. He hates liars. He wouldn't say those kinds of things to me, he knows that what we had and continue to have is special and he doesn't want to ruin it. But do I really want anything to happen during Christmas?? I miss him and I want to see him again and hang-out and see where it goes from there, but I'm not sure I want something to happen.

I'm hung up on Red. I want Red at Christmas. I want to feel Red's arms around me. I want to hear his voice, see his pretty eyes, I want him making me laugh. His jokes, his noises, his enthusiasm, his caring. Sitting down and talking to him is what made it so special. We talked like we'd never talked before. It really meant a lot to me. And the firsts were big. I haven't been a virgin since I was 16, so that wasn't one of them. But he was the first in my bed. He as the first to spend the entire night with me. The first one that I woke up wrapped in his arms. Those were really special to me. I remember the first night we watched a movie and just sat and talked all night. Around 3am I said, "I better take you home, but I don't want you to go." He hugged me and said, "I don't want to go either." So he stayed. And that started it all. I got so used to falling asleep with his arms around me that I had problems sleeping when my parents got back from out of town.

I need to move on. I know this.

I can't, I just can't.

Song: Distance by Evan and Jaron.

Posted at 08:36 pm by LilFaerie
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Sep 24, 2003
Drunk with pain.

You'd think that this would only be obvious to me. But it wasn't until recently.

I guess, technically, you could say that a drunk guy brought about my break up with Red. His drunk brother decided one night that he cared about Red for once in his meaningless life and told me everything he felt. Some of which, the major issues anyways, happened to be true.

It's been hard for me to accept that. But if one person isn't happy then something needs to be done to facilitate their happiness, whether it be discussing the issue, or completely ending the relationship. Most of the time just talking about the issue solves the problem, but in this instance, when I brought up the topic at a time when he was sober, the answer was that of the latter.

I did not want to hear that answer. I thought that even though we were going through so much pain being separated from each other, we were doing ok. I had planned on making it through these months with him there to talk to late into the night. But such was not to be. I've had relationships end on less that "just a feeling," so the fact that we were able to have a long, deep, thoroughly involved conversation about his feeling and my feeling was great. I still have a best friend. It may not seem like that when the emails and phone calls are few and far between, but I know that he's still there.

"Sometimes loving someone means letting them go."

Another case dealing with drunk guys:  Red himself this time.
He called and left a weird sounding message on my cell phone one night when two friends and I were crazy and studied from 8:30pm to 2am. Along with the message were 38 IMs waiting for me when I returned to my room. I was astounded. And hurt. What he had said made it, literally, hard for me to breath and I was crying and didn't know who to reach out to. Of the two people I was able to get a hold of at that time, one wasn't feeling nice, and the other was tipsy. Fuck me. I dealt with it by writing a long email to him and leaving a message for him to check his email and then call me as soon as he woke up. Some of what he'd said I admit to hoping was true, that I'd been wishing to hear from him, and some really hurt. With the phone call came the truth. He did not remember any of what was said because he was so drunk when he said it. He didn't even remember calling. WTF?! I said ok, took a deep breath, continued on as if nothing was wrong, and attempted to glue my heart back together once more.

I still wasn't sure if what he'd said was true or not. He wouldn't answer, just hid behind the fact that "How can I know if it's true if I don't even remember saying it?" Well, hun, you know yourself, don't you?? That's how. And because with most drunk people, they are blunt and almost mean with the truth. I continue to believe that there was some bit of truth in all that was said. I just don't know how to go about finding what was truth and what was just the bottle talking. It hurts, because I want to know, but I'm sucking it up, being strong.

This is all running through my mind because of last night. I got a new cell phone number and called to make sure that he had it...he'd promised that he'd still call. So, he said he'd call back because he was busy. Fine, that's cool, I can understand that. The only problem was that he said he was drinking and he'd be pretty drunk. I told him he better not and make it tomorrow (today). Agreed. Nonetheless, I recieved a call from Red at 2am. He was drunk as hell. I made a snide comment after he teasingly told me "Fuck you" and, boy, did that set him off. Ugh. I can't help how I feel about him.

"The heart has reasons reason does not understand." ~Blaise Pascal

And there's this side of me that I rarely share with others...

"I hate to smile just to pretend I'm not hurt.
I hate to giggle just to show you I'll be ok.
I hate to laugh if after I'll cry.
I still love you and you've said goodbye."


"When you truly know the meaning of the word love, you will also know the meaning of the word pain." ~Jaran

What is love? I'm still pondering that question and am coming to accept the answers my heart is giving me versus the answers my brain is providing.

You love simply because you cannot help it.

Song: Worst Day Ever by Simple Plan

Posted at 04:59 pm by LilFaerie
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Sep 12, 2003

Well, I've been in school a full two weeks now. I'm enjoying visiting my friends and meeting new people. I like my classes and am getting into the swing of things. I was able to attend the Jason Mraz/Guster concert, the NFL Kickoff concert and the MxPx/Dashboard Confessional concert. It's been a jam-packed but fun first weeks.

It's also been hard and painful. I'm single once more. I don't know if it was because I listened to the drunk brother of Red ramble on about things that aren't his business and basically blow smoke out his ass. He brought some things to my attention I knew were there at the back of my mind and others that Red should have told me, but it still wasn't any of his business. So, I lost some sleep over it, and then called Red. I think I scared him with the straight-forward blunt way I brought it up, but that was the easiest way for me to approach the situation. And it turns out that the long-distance thing just wasn't working for him. That wasn't the answer I was looking for, but if he isn't happy with the situation, the situation isn't happy and therefore I'm not happy. We both need to want the situation for it to work. So, we mutually decided that we'd just be friends for now and see what happens when I'm home for Christmas. He plans on calling, IMing and emailing me still, so that's good and he said he'd like it if I did the same. The thing I am the happiest with is that I still have a really good friend.

But I miss him. I miss him like crazy.The days are getting easier to deal with because if I'm not in class, at work or studying, I'm out with friends, keeping my mind off of him. It's the nights that are tormenting me. Each night I go to sleep more exhausted than the last and my thoughts still stray to him. Laying there in the dark...there's nothing else to keep my mind occupied. Wow. I must admit that I never expected this. And I told him that when we talked. I didn't expect any of it when I called him that first time. And, boy, did it go deep fast. Another love.

Brown is having a good ol' time overseas. I haven't heard much from him lately, but we're emailing now, so it's easier than sending letters and such.

I've received two emails so far from Blondie. I miss him, too. He was so refreshing after the young guys I keep getting attached to. Every time I hear Addicted by Simple Plan, I think of him. We danced to it at Diabetic Camp. Memories, memories...

I made a new friend at camp, too. We'll call him Sk8ter Boy. Now, Sk8ter Boy is a cutie! We flirted and talked all week. Turns out he lives near me. We were going to hang out before I went back to school, but that didn't happen. I received an email from him out of the blue the other day. He wants to keep in touch and hang out when I'm home for Christmas! That's a boost for my spirits. One problem...he's only 16. Jail bait... sometimes ya gotta live on the wild side....

Paz. Now, we've gotten closer and are getting closer still. We txt message throughout the day and then if possible, talk at night. But the time difference make that hard. I miss him so much, too. More than I thought possible since I haven't seen him in over a year and he was kind of a dick to me after we split. We've been talking since July and it's been really good to, actually, get to re-know him. There are some things he's clarified for me and it explains so much that went on when we were together. I'm really enjoying the fact that, mainly, he's there for me to talk to. It's always good to have someone there who has no problem telling you that you're acting stupid or you should've thought about this more before you did it. That's great. There's a high possibility that he'll be flying out to visit me when I'm home for Christmas break. I really would like to see him again. I miss him...and he gives great hugs! I always did enjoy being held by him and just cuddling. Come to find out, he misses that, too!

Yes, I know that I have spread my heart too wide. I love Red and Brown in there own ways, for their own reasons, and my own. I haven't decided what I feel for Paz. Blondie and Sk8ter Boy are good friends and possibly playmates. Why do I do this to myself? I get so attached and then it only ends in pain.

My hell...

Song:  Here Without You by Three Doors Down

Posted at 08:40 pm by LilFaerie
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Aug 20, 2003
What is it with me????

What is it with me and men? I just can't get enough pain, can I? I still have Red and Brown. But must add to the list Blondie.

Blondie is 23 and attended Camp with me last week. I haven't seen him in so long and it was just wonderful to get caught up with him! We were always talking, just enjoying each other's company whenever possible. Since we were both counselors, that wasn't always the easiest thing in the world. Can we say crush? Yes, we can. He's intelligent and such a sweetheart! Not to mention, there's this naughty twist to him! I hope to keep in touch.

Red. I've been quite the emotional female with him lately. I find myself in tears more often than not and I wouldn't really be able to tell you why. We're doing great. I'm seeing a lot of him and we're talking and cuddling and it's just awesome. But we're also thinking about the future. I leave to return to school in just 8 days. That's hard to believe and came up on us unexpected. We've decided to try long distance and see how it goes. I'll be home for Christmas, so at least that's something to look forward to, right?

Brown. I haven't heard from him in a while. He called the Tuesday before last, the 5th. From over seas!!! It was absolutely exhilarating! I cried, of course. We talked about everything and nothing for 2 hours. I got his mailing address, so the letters have started once again.

I have to add one more to my "list." Paz is an ex that called me out of the blue. We've been talking quite a lot and I miss him. He could always make me laugh so easily and he still does. I think there might be a possibility of me seeing him at Christmas, but who knows? He's living on his own, trying to get his life back in order after it fell apart when he moved last fall with his mom. He's not into drugs or even drinking, fact is that he's straight-edge. It was one of those relationships that ended on good terms and we kinda kept in touch while I was in school last year. It'll probably be better this time around. He admits to missing me also, so that's a good sign.

I care for all the men on my list, each in there own different ways. But sometimes, I have a hard, very hard, time being able to differentiate between the strength of my feelings for each one. I miss them all. I want them all in my life down the road.

What is it with me and men?!?!?

Posted at 03:17 am by LilFaerie
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